Drabbling
by ilex-ferox
Summary: A series of genuine drabbles and half-drabbles. Some are straightforward, some are more cryptic and may require a little research to decipher them. Chapter 76: TBR double drabble.
1. StarCross'd

_**Artemis Fowl belongs to Eoin Colfer. Romeo and Juliet, in ballet form, belong to Prokofiev and Kenneth MacMillan.**_

* * *

**STAR-CROSS'D**

Artemis had never liked ballet. The music was, in his opinion, inferior: and when it wasn't, the dancing was an unwelcome distraction. He had not been looking forward to the evening at Covent Garden as he took his seat in the dress circle with the glitterati. However his mother had been delighted to receive an invitation to see Acosta and Roja; informing him that they were _the_ Romeo and Juliet of their generation. Yet as he looked at the bodies lying on the stage, doomed by their forbidden love, he found himself close to tears. He had no idea why.


	2. Bom Arbles

_**The characters from Artemis Fowl belong to Eoin Colfer.**_

* * *

**BOM ARBLES**

The magma was no hotter than his anger. Damn her! He'd had no idea she'd been cheating on him until he walked in on them. She hadn't even looked ashamed, just laughed in his face, asked him what she was supposed to do when he was away all the time working extra shifts. The extra shifts he'd requested to boost his pay for them, for her and the baby. He couldn't go on now - but suicide would invalidate his life insurance; there'd be nothing for the child, and he loved that kid. Better make it look like an accident.


	3. Author

**_The characters in this fiction belong to Eoin Colfer_**.

* * *

**AUTHOR**

A note in Butler's handwriting announced, _COOLER FINE._

'Repaired at last,' thought Artemis as he helped himself to caviar. Then he considered the caviar. There was no denying the Fowls' expensive tastes made a considerable dent in the family fortunes. Artemis needed to make money but, in deference to his father, legitimately; a shame - illegal was always faster. But how? Then it came to him – children's literature! J K Rowling had made millions. He'd publish his fairy adventures under a pseudonym. What should it be?

He glanced at Butler's note: a little mental manipulation and - he had it.

* * *

A/N _The note Butler left provides Artemis's pseudonym. (Crossword fans should be able to work out what it is.)_


	4. Valentine

Author's Note: A little preposterous fluff for February 14th, dedicated to all fellow shippers.

* * *

VALENTINE

"Holly!" Artemis gazed down at her in shocked surprise, "You're purring!"

She smiled lazily up at him. "Don't get too conceited, Artemis. It's not quite the first time I've done so, you know." She ran a finger delicately along his cheek, taking any sting out of her words.

"B – But, you're really purring," he stuttered, "exactly like a cat; I can feel you vibrating!"

She frowned, puzzled, "Don't human females purr when …" She blushed and hid her face against his bare chest.

Kissing along her neck, he wondered what other physiological differences there might be. More research was needed.


	5. Fit the Fifth

**Fit the fifth**

All the fictional characters belong to Eoin Colfer. The quarks belong to Murray Gell-Mann.

With thanks to Hopelily and Julienne Potato for their advice.

* * *

**THE HUNTING OF THE QUARK**

Minerva knew psychology, physics and Artemis Fowl from the _bottom _up; _strange_ that they weren't acquainted.

Sighting him in Barcelona she'd known she'd have to counter his stratagems. Diversion would be her best bet. If she intrigued him she could distract him, stay on _top_. Know your enemy: he was Irish, adolescent, brilliant, scientific. She needed to target all those facets.

She'd seen how he looked her _up_ and _down_; her _charm_ would take care of the adolescent element. Element – elementary particle – quantum – Irish. Why was she thinking of Gell-Mann and James Joyce? Of course! Time for the quark joke.

* * *

Author's Note: I'm afraid I indulged myself on this one. The challenge here is working out why some words are in italics, as well as catching the literary allusions.


	6. Classical Allusion

Artemis Fowl belongs to Eoin Colfer. The rest is mythology. I know it's not Christmas but I've only just discovered this lurking in my documents.

* * *

**CLASSICAL ALLUSION**

Christmas, the season of goodwill – what irony. As Artemis twisted the holly wreath in his hands, the prickles drawing blood, he relished the pain. It was a distraction from his greater misery. To have found something more valuable than gold only to know it was unattainable: forever out of reach no matter his desire, his longing. The red berries and green leaves mocked him; these he could hold in his hands, but not what he wanted. 

Hanging the wreath – laurel would have been more appropriate -on the door, he laughed mirthlessly: _I should have been named for a different god_.

* * *

_**Author's Note**__: The puzzle here is to work out what god he is comparing himself to and why. The wreath is a hint but not what it is made of. The French name for one of the plants mentioned is also a clue. In addition, why are red and green in some way relevant?_


	7. Do You Hear Them?

_The character in this drabble belongs to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**DO YOU HEAR **_**THEM**_**?**

Once it had been his hands caressing her: now _they_ crawled across her.

Once his voice had whispered in her ear: now _their_ susurration terrified her.

Once his eyes had met hers: now she could only see _them_.

_They_ were here: invading her house, her room – invading her.

Why had he left her at _their_ mercy?

--

He'd sworn to be true to her 'in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health.'

These were the bad times. Where was he?

She was sick. Why had he left her alone with _them_?

--

Only closed curtains kept _them_ at bay.


	8. Discrimination

_These characters do **not** belong to Eoin Colfer, some of them may even 'belong' to you. Chelsea Flower Show belongs to the Royal Horticultural Society.  
_

* * *

**DISCRIMINATION**

**or **

_**'There are Fairies at the Bottom of my Garden'**_

It seemed as if they hardly existed, were barely visible - there solely to provide the butt of jokes about their bulkiness. When one of them rose to a high position he was soon toppled. The rest of the People couldn't bear the idea that one of _'them'_ might be in authority. They weren't even acknowledged as a proper family.

They always drew the short straw: those tedious hours of stakeout duty, being forced to squat on toadstools or develop lumbago holding fishing rods by damp ponds.

Even Mud Men discriminated against them. Being banned from Chelsea was the final ignominy.

* * *

_**Author's Note**: This is obvious, witness the pun, but I wondered why Colfer's endnotes never mention them as one of the seven, now eight, families of fairies. That, together with the Chelsea ban, sparked this drabble. No prizes for guessing where the sub-title (almost) comes from.  
_


	9. Tinkerbell

_Artemis belongs to Eoin Colfer, Ailíne belongs to Julienne Potato, Tinkerbell belongs to J.M. Barrie and Great Ormond Street Hospital._

* * *

**Tinkerbell**

The nursery was warm and quiet as the sound of his voice lulled her into comfortable drowsiness, but there was something she must tell him.

"Daddy?" Ailíne fixed her large hazel eyes on her father as he closed the book.

"Yes, _a stór_?" Artemis smiled down at her while she snuggled into her pillow, preparatory to sleep.

"I'm a big girl now."

"Are you indeed?"

"Yes I am. So you could read me a big girl's book next time, 'cos I don't believe in fairies."

The night-light's glow was too dim for her to see the tears in his eyes.

* * *

_This was inspired by Julienne Potato's lovely story 'Growing Up' and she has kindly given me permission to post it. I tried to capture the bitter-sweet quality of the original. Ailíne is a variant spelling of Aillén which means little elf,' a stór' means my dear or my darling._


	10. Taisez vous!

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, etc., etc._

* * *

_**Taisez-vous! Les oreilles ennemies vous écoutent**_

For a bodyguard he was astonishingly gullible.

All one had to do, while pondering a move, was mention his charge and the stories flowed ceaselessly. Information revealed with no thought as to the use the 'enraptured' listener might make of it.

There was no denying how useful those stories were, although the feigned admiration for their subject induced nausea with every recital. But chess was just another form of warfare and the irony of a bodyguard supplying information that would annihilate his principal was amusing.

He hadn't realised why Sun Tzu was on his shelf. His stupidity was truly _incroyable._

* * *

_Author's note: Enough clues here to guess the subject. The title translates as 'Be quiet! Enemy ears are listening to you.' Anybody else find Moby Dick and The Art of War suspicious? Then there's Gormenghast: could Marie-Suzanne be Steerpike?_


	11. Insubordination

_All characters belong to Eoin Colfer_

* * *

**Insubordination**

She'd never been good at taking orders. He'd first realised that on the Tern Islands; he'd been grateful, but an LEP officer should earn the squadron's trust and she hadn't done that. He wasn't sure why he kept it off her record. He'd seen that same insubordination at Martina Franca. He wasn't sure why he'd supported her against Internal Affairs. Yes she was a good cop: but good cops took orders.

She'd done it again - disobeyed a direct order – and he finally realised he loved her for it.  
He raised the visor and smiled at his favourite officer.

"Be well,".


	12. Somewhere

_All characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Somewhere ...  
**

Angeline stared in amazement at her infant son. He was grubby! His hands and knees were caked in mud and his fingernails torn from digging in the soil.  
"Sweetie, what are you doing? You're soaked. Come out of the rain."

"No, mother. I saw it ending here. I know it must be here somewhere, I just have to find it."

She looked into the sky, where the sun shone through the raindrops, and laughed,  
"Oh Artemis, it's just a silly story."

But he knew it was true. He just had to find it. He **would** find it.

_Aurum potestas est._

* * *

_Author's Note: Perhaps this will be compensation for my previous poor effort. At long last I managed another puzzle drabble, thank goodness for June showers providing me with inspiration. So, what is Artemis digging for and why? And what has the title to do with it?_


	13. Extinction and Restitution

_The fairies belong to Eoin Colfer, the rest belong to all of us. The idea for this was sparked by 'Artemis Fowl: The New Manhattan', Hopelily's new story.  
_

* * *

**Extinction and Restitution**

It was good to be back aboveground; it was _right._ The tech squad had been only too glad to leave their labs and stand on the surface once more, even if the work load was huge. Temperature and atmospheric stabilization had been completed, now the genetic material restoration stage could start. Already the cryo-chambers were almost empty, the bio-units were being stocked and incubation had begun.

Below ground Foaly, the ancient technological genius, was running through the genetic storage lists. "_Ursus maritimus_: restored, _Pantheris tigris_: restored, _Epidalia calamita_: restored, _Fagus sylvatica_: restored, _Raphus cucullatus_: restored," he paused.

"_Homo sapiens_ – deleted."

* * *

_Author's note: I thought I'd get this up before Book 6 comes out and we get Colfer's take on the issue. Go on, you know you're dying to Google them.  
_


	14. Ave Atque Vale

_All characters belong to Eoin Colfer. The title comes from Catullus.  
_

* * *

**Ave Atque Vale  
**

She was flying, but her former exhilaration was gone and the air was no longer sweet in her lungs. Below her the hills and fields were blurred, while ahead lay the destination that had once been a source of dread and delight - though no longer.

Now her visor was sealed as if she were trying to exclude reality. Yet there was no escaping the knowledge that, this time, the red light would fail to flash and Lily Frond's voice would be silent.

Hovering in the empty sky, silhouetted against the waning moon, Holly dipped her wings in a final salute.

* * *

_**FINIS**_


	15. Discovery

_A topical half-drabble._

* * *

**Discovery**

Artemis stared, transfixed, at the article in the Financial Times.

_**IRISH GOLD DISCOVERED NEAR CLONTIBRET**_

_F. O'Aly, reclusive chairman of the company behind the find, has issued a press release stating he believes it to be the largest deposit of gold in the British Isles._

"Butler! They've discovered my cache!"

* * *

_Author's Note: Google the headline and see what you get._

* * *


	16. Assassination TP Spoiler

**_Author's Note_**_: People wondered why Minerva wasn't in The Time Paradox; now you know._

* * *

**Assassination**

Nice Gendarmerie Crime Report: 66673  
Nature of Crime: Murder  
Location: Salon, Chateau Paradizo, Tourettes sur Loup  
Victim Name: Minerva Paradizo, 15 years  
Summary: Victim killed by shot to the head from .45 calibre handgun. No other forensic evidence, preliminary findings indicate professional assassination. Only anomaly was salon smelt of citrus.

* * *

_Readers who can identify the criminal get a virtual deerstalker._


	17. Anticipation

_All the characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Anticipation**

Artemis lay still, anticipating her touch, just the two of them alone in the room. He felt himself relax under her hands, relishing the swirling arabesques she drew upon his skin. She was physically absorbing the tension from his body and gently lulling him into a dreamlike state. No-one else was so soothing or so good for him. He felt her fingers trickle down his back, lingering over every muscle, and almost shivered in anticipation as they moved towards his hips and he submitted willingly to her ministrations.

"Thank you, Irina" he murmured, "Blackrock Spa is lucky to have you."

* * *

**_Author's Note:_**_ That wasn't what you anticipated, was it?_

* * *


	18. Watch the Wall

_The character in this half drabble belongs to Eoin Colfer. The title comes from Kipling._

* * *

**Watch the Wall, My Darling**

Artemis hacked into the Interpol file covering the Fowls' activities. His lips twitched in amusement when he discovered they had decided the family was going straight. One particular entry caught his attention.

'The Fowls' latest legitimate venture involves running a curry delivery business.'

Well, he hadn't broken any _human_ laws.

* * *

_Author's Note: If you're still not sure what he's doing the title gives it away._


	19. Acrophobia

_All characters belong to Eoin Colfer. The technology should belong to Foaly._

* * *

**Acrophobia**

He knew Butler was puzzled. His principal had made use of so much fairy technology - the filters, the helmets; the C-Cube was the apotheosis of his efforts. Yet the young genius had made no attempt to appropriate fairy wings.

Artemis sincerely hoped neither the fairies, nor Butler, ever knew why.

* * *

_I wondered why Artemis hasn't made use of the wing technology and could only come up with one answer. Short, and not very inspired, but it might enlarge your vocabulary! I hope to offer something better in a week's time.  
_


	20. The Challenge

_Written in response to Lli's literary_ _drabble in Chapter 27. Artemis and Butler belong to Eoin Colfer, all the rest is real._

* * *

**The Challenge**

While enjoying Peter Pears' performance of Britten's 'Hymn' from Opus 31, Artemis was viewing his latest acquisition; Sotheby's had sold Lot 8131 for nearly £47,000 on July, 15th to a large, bald-headed man.

It wasn't a particularly good watercolour and Henry Holiday wasn't his favourite painter by any means, but Artemis _was_ an admirer of Ben Jonson and the subject appealed to him. Although, paradoxically, in light of events that were both nearly eight years old and recent, he hoped that one of the epithets would not apply to him for much longer - not if everything went according to plan.

* * *

_Author's Note: Lots of clues here, digital paintbrushes to those who solve them. 'Challenge' is used on two levels. I had to make at least one drabble on the Rathdown Park Incident, didn't I?  
_


	21. Rising

_The character belongs to Eoin Colfer, the rest is metaphysical._

* * *

**Rising**

Holly reluctantly prised her eyelids apart, wondering why she felt so drained. It wasn't because of where she was; that _geas_ was gone. It wasn't that she'd been manoeuvred into breaking another taboo; she'd got over that years ago. Manipulation was just one of his traits and she'd learnt to live with it. Besides, she stretched luxuriously, some forms of manipulation were welcomed, licensed in fact - but this lethargy wasn't the pleasant satiety she usually felt. She squinted across to the windows and curtains. Ah, that explained it.

"Busy old fool," she muttered, and pulled the sheets over her head.

* * *

_Author's Note: Someone suggested 'songfics for lit geeks'. which was a lovely excuse to go trawling through the Elizabethan and Jacobean poets. Complete editions online if you spot the references. _

_Re 'Challenge': Sotheby's website is recalcitrent, try Googling Henry Holiday Artemis Watercolour instead and then Google the title, happy hunting.  
_


	22. Fortytwo

_A topical drabble: Foaly belongs to Eoin Colfer, the title to Douglas Adams and Charles Lutwidge Dodgson_

_Is there no end to Foaly's genius? Not only does he mesmerize Tim Berners-Lee into creating the Internet but he's responsible for a special radio edition of Torchwood which has the answer to this puzzle. (Torchwood: Lost Souls, BBC Radio 4, today, 10th September, at 2.15 BST_. _Check out the BBC website.)_

* * *

**Forty-two **_**or Alice in Wonderland**_

Uncharacteristically, Foaly was enjoying a rare moment of reflection. The cost was massive and accelerating; the Council had spent a fortune on treatment for _mesmer_ burnout; recruitment and turnover in the Tech. Section was at an all time high and E39 under Geneva had been upgraded a record seventeen times.

Nevertheless, as he watched the remote link to the Centaurian Experimental Research Network, Foaly discerned not one particle of regret. The expense didn't matter. This was why the LEP was created: hunting down rogue elements. And his quarry was within sight.

'Now,' he said, beaming, 'our paths will collide, Higgs.'

* * *

_Author's Note: Dedicated to all those who enjoyed 'The Hunting of the Quark'. No prizes for guessing why the title is Forty-Two but extra LEPtons if you know why the alternative title includes the word Alice - although it would more appropriate if it were Atlas. _


	23. Hero of Haven

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Hero of Haven**

In recognition of the services rendered in helping to recapture the fairy world's most wanted criminal, the 'Hero of Haven' medal was inscribed with 'A. Fowl' in both English and Gnommish,. The first time such an honour had ever been bestowed on a human.

The acceptance speech had been both humble and gracious, drawing murmurs of surprised approbation from the assembled People in the Council Chamber.

"I really don't deserve this, it was a pure fluke that I had inside information."

Artemis, in the front row, felt almost redundant as he watched Chairman Cahartez pin the medal on his mother.

* * *

_Author's note: The previous chapter referred to the Large Hadron Collider experiment at CERN, apologies for making it too obscure._


	24. And Another Thing

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, the towel belongs to Douglas Adams._

* * *

**And Another Thing...**

A highly trained bodyguard willing to sacrifice his own life to save his principal was undeniably comforting. Captain Short's skill with a Neutrino was undoubtedly an asset in life threatening situations. But for real security there was nothing like a towel for protecting a brain the size of a planet.

* * *

_Author's Note: Google the two authors and the title of this piece. Or go to the BBC's news website and enter it there to find out what this is about. It might be bad news, we'll see. Just goes to show how prophetic the title to chapter 22 was!  
_


	25. The Aftereffects of Osculation

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, the ballet to Jerome Robbins and Igor Stravinsky.  
_

* * *

**The After Effects of Osculation  
or _  
Da Mi Basia Mille (Catullus)_**

Angeline hadn't envisaged Artemis being affected by adolescent angst. But what other explanation was there?

He'd retreated to his room, compulsively playing the same Stravinsky piece over and over. Admittedly, most teenagers didn't obsess to _classical _music but still… Then there'd been the flight to America: he and Butler left in the Lear with virtually no warning: not on business, she'd discovered, but to see NYCB. Artemis and ballet?

She'd hoped it would cheer him up, but he came back as depressed as before. He'd snapped her head off when she asked if he'd enjoyed '_Le Baiser de la Fée_'.

* * *

_First Romeo and Juliet and now this - perhaps he should stick to Grand Opera. (NYCB are the initials for New York City Ballet, blame the hundred word rule for the abbreviation.)  
_


	26. Traffic

_Holly and The Artemis Fowl Files belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Traffic**

'This has to be the worst assignment ever,' Holly fumed, contemplating the chaos in front of her. Moonrise was a bad time to be stuck on traffic detail and, because of the crunch-ball match in Westside Stadium, she was on her own in the rush hour. Now an accident on the Boulevard of Kings had created an irate queue of commuters.

This wasn't why she'd joined the LEP. Where was the danger, the excitement, the flying she'd imagined would be hers? Instead of the rushing wind in her ears all she could hear were the horns of Elfland faintly blowing.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** It's not just Colfer who can find inspiration in an apposite quote from Tennyson._


	27. The Primrose Path

_All the characters, except Polonius, belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**The Primrose Path**

_"She's pretty, isn't she?"  
"Extremely."_

And young, quick and arrogant. But golden curls seemed tarnished beside an auburn crew-cut; and arrogance was cold against a heart as warm as its owner was fiery. There was no comparison - and he would gladly follow Polonius' advice: '_To thine own elf be true_.'

* * *

_Author's note: __Sorry about that!_

* * *


	28. A Safe Bet

_The human characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**A Safe Bet**

"We've got another financial genius in the family," Artemis Senior grinned at his son. "Your mother's won a small fortune at Fairyhouse Races, got the trifecta at incredible odds. Don't know how she does it, but she's got a real eye for a horse."

"I didn't know you studied form." Artemis cocked an eyebrow at his mother's knowing smile.

"I don't, dear, I just thought the names were so charming. _Fairy Magic _and_ Fairy Oak_ seemed so appropriate."

"Still wonder how you picked the other one. What was it again?"

Angeline winked at her son. "You remember, Timmy_ - Holly's Gold_."

* * *

_**Author's note: **There really is a racecourse in Ireland called Fairyhouse and all the horses are, or were, genuine Irish racehorses. A trifecta is a bet in which you have to predict the first, second and third horse in a race.  
_


	29. Duty Roster

_All the characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Duty Roster**

It had seemed a good idea at the time. Well, perhaps not a _good_ idea, but it had still seemed a hilarious one to test Foaly's new adaptation of the Retimager on Captain Short. The version that could be operated from a distance without the subject realising.

Now, as he retrieved his dropped jaw, Trouble wasn't so sure. That was why she'd been so reticent in her debriefing about this latest adventure with Fowl. He might have to make changes to his plans for this evening. He'd check Corporal Frond's personnel file; that was sure to have her home number.


	30. What's in a Name?

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. This one's for Captain Evermind; I hope she forgives me._

* * *

**What's in a Name?**

He'd started to earn his reputation as a gung-ho officer at his naming day. New recruits would gaze at him in awe if they spotted him in the corridor and whisper to each other that he was the renowned Commander Kelp, famous for having chosen the name Trouble for himself, and wonder how he managed to put up with his whining brother, Grub.

What they didn't know was that the Commander owed his little brother – big time. He'd never once let anyone know Trouble's real name. Kelp wondered how the recruits would regard him if he were still called Maggot.


	31. Present, Gift, Largesse

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Present, Gift, Largesse**

A lot of subterfuge, artifice and manoeuvring was needed to deliver the gift. There wasn't a regular postal service between Haven and the surface for the delivery or transfer of parcels and packages and Artemis had had to resort to cunning, chicanery and deception to ensure safe and secure shipment. It was one of his rare, isolated examples of philanthropy and generosity. Had it been worth it?

He'd had to wait for the next call from Holly's communicator. One look at No 1's smiling face, beaming with delight as he clutched Roget to his chest, and he had his answer.

* * *

**_Author's Note:_**_ I loved No 1 in Lost Colony, probably because he shares my fascination with words, although Colfer reduced him to a cipher in Time Paradox. How could he do that? Anyway, I decided that Roget's Thesaurus would be a suitable present: after all, I couldn't have written this without it!_


	32. Crisis? What Crisis?

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Crisis? What Crisis?**

Artemis' smirk was more pronounced as he brought up the share indices on his Apple. His business associates might wear worried frowns and bite their nails; he could afford to remain calm. Whatever he might think of her, it had been a _very_ smart move to invest in Koboi Laboratories.

* * *

_There are times when it's hard to like Artemis._


	33. Cat

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. Written before Lli's lovely 'For Your Eyes Only' but offered in tribute._

* * *

**Cat**

There were times when Holly hated Lili Frond and this was one of them. She'd overheard her gossiping with the bimbo squad in the corridor -

"Poor Holly," Lili had simpered, "you'd think she'd be able to get _a_ man. After all, she's not hideous, though she doesn't make the best of herself. Perhaps if she wasn't always zipping above-ground she might have more luck. She's in her eighties and I bet she's never been kissed!"

Holly's simmering anger nearly reached boiling point. If she wasn't careful, she was going to lose her temper and tell Frond a thing or two.


	34. Not Just A Pretty Face

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. Even bimbos have their uses._

* * *

**Not Just A Pretty Face**

Trouble was simultaneously amused and exasperated. Females saving the day was something he'd have to get used to, especially when they saved his life as well.

He'd have words with Foaly about the equipment failure that caused his wings to seize up. Thank Frond for Lili's lip salve and hairpins.

* * *

**_Author's note:_**_ Everyone was so unkind to her, including myself, that I felt I owed her this_!


	35. Options

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. Written in homage to Lli and Kelly Holden._

* * *

**Options**

So Opal had taken her revenge, but was having a human pituitary gland so awful? On reflection she decided it had a definite upside. Now size, which had been a problem, didn't matter. Okay, she still felt a little guilty about Artemis - but he'd get over her preferring a Butler.

* * *

_You choose._


	36. Flight Plan

_All the characters belong to Eoin Colfer, the plan belongs to Artemis._

* * *

**Flight Plan**

The course data logged for the Fowl's jet showed a transatlantic flight to Bermuda. Artemis sat in the co-pilot's seat and watched Holly effortlessly put the Lear through its paces.

"This is fun, Artemis - a bit primitive – but fun. Thanks."

He smiled warmly at her, "Well, it's the least I could do on your birthday. Now, could I have your attention, Captain?"

Holly looked Artemis straight in the eye, "OK, Mud Man, I'm all yours."

"In that case, we have reached a cruising height of exactly 5280 feet, I think it's time I showed you how to engage the auto-pilot."

* * *

_The height is significant._


	37. Hypocrisy

_All characters belong to Eoin Colfer. My take on the theme; Blue Yeti did it better._

* * *

**Hypocrisy**

They'd all known - but, so long as it was a secret, no-one was going to make waves. There had even been a tacit feeling of approval; if he felt like that about her then he wasn't going to be much of a threat. Now it was out in the open and she felt the disapproval as a tangible force.

She sat alone in the canteen; no-one called; the worst shifts always had her name on them; the film with Skylar Peat was withdrawn - and every time they looked at her she could hear the unasked question,

"Is he worth it?"


	38. Ode to Psyche

_The characters belong to Colfer, the best words to Keats._

* * *

**Ode to Psyche**

In an untrodden region of his mind, he observed the physiological changes attendant on the hour: the witching hour, _be_witching hour. The casement, open to warm love, did nothing to chill that flush, visible in the light he kept burning as a way-marker for her flight, while the wind made the pines murmur and brought the scent of flowers. She came in a rush, as she often had before, colliding with him in her haste so that they fell in an entanglement of arms and wings until, at last, they lay calm-breathing on the flower-strewn counterpane, all soft delight.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **__This is written in tribute to, and pale imitation of, Lli's magical 'A Family Tradition' . It will be meaningless unless you read Keats' lovely ode._


	39. Routine Medical

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

**Routine Medical**

**or **

"**Holly, Are You Trying to Kill Me?"**

"There's only so much magic and medication can do, Commander. You need to make some life-style changes to keep that blood pressure under control."

"I know, I know. You're gonna tell me to give up the cigars, right?"

"Well, that would certainly help, but work-related stress aggravates your condition."

"You want me to give up the job? You cannot be serious!"

"No, Haven needs you too much for that."

"So what do you suggest? I ask all the bad guys, ever so nicely, to go straight?"

"Not that either, though it's a nice idea. However, you could sack Captain Short."


	40. Chemistry

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. The original poem, probably written in the Elizabethan period, is by an anonymous poet._

**Chemistry**

The effect of soap on detergent is well known. Adding soap to detergent bubbles causes rapid foam collapse, or to put it more simply – drop the soap into your bubble bath and the bubbles disappear. Artemis knew the chemistry; what he hadn't expected was the psychological effect, not to mention the physiological effect, when Holly did just that while taking his video call. He dreaded what her reaction would be but the words were out before he could stop them.

"_No beauty she doth miss  
With all her bubbles on:  
But Beauty's elf she is  
With all her bubbles gone_**."**

_**Author's note:** Another dreadful pun I couldn't resist – but it's so fluffy!_


	41. Communication Problems

_All the characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

**Communication Problems**

"Butler, we must get rid of that fairy ring."

Frozen with shock, Artemis listened to his mother's voice. He'd thought she admired the fairies.

"It's so ugly."

It was ostentatious, granted, but ugly was surely too strong.

"It's going to be difficult, Madam."

Butler was going along with her? Butler knew how he valued the communicator.

"We need to mow them down."

His mother wanted to kill the fairies? Holly? Artemis felt himself grow paler. His mother, the woman who spent so much time on saving the bio-sphere, wanted to take a life?

"I'll instruct the gardener immediately, Madam."

_Oh_.


	42. Communication Problems The Sequel

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, the idea belongs to Rudyard Kipling._

**Communication Problems – The Sequel**

He waited until it was dark and he could act unobserved except by the Midsummer moon. It was essential he acted tonight, before the working week began and the gardeners arrived, if he were to test his theory. Going first to the library to take down the relevant Arden edition he left the house, stood under the oak and ash and thorn trees near the lawn, recited the words three times and - waited.

She arrived inside the fairy ring in a flurry of sparks and a foul temper.

"For Frond's sake, Artemis, can't you just use the d'arvitting communicator?"


	43. Property

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**Property**

Artemis had spent months searching through the websites of upmarket estate agents until he found the ideal spot. It had cost a small fortune but it seemed an appropriate use of some of the fairy gold he'd 'acquired', as well as assuaging his conscience. Now it was time to invite Holly and No 1 to look at it.

"For us?" squeaked the imp, emitting red sparks excitedly. "A beautiful, unspoilt, uninhabited island?"

"At least the People can be private here, although it's a poor substitute for Hybras I'm afraid." He smirked with false modesty and turned to watch Holly's reaction...

* * *

_My apologies for the delay in updating._


	44. Speculation

_The characters, and several sentences, belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**Speculation**

... Holly's elfin features wore a strange expression . Somewhere between embarrassment and delight.

"You did a good thing here. Not one penny of profit," she quoted and reached up to kiss him on the cheek.

He basked in her pleasure and approbation, although he wondered how long they would last. His mobile rang, breaking the mood. Seeing the caller I.D., he moved away to take the call in private.

"Artemis?" Mulch was gloating. "Cousin Nord's construction crew will start tomorrow and we've already taken hundreds of advance holiday bookings. We're going to make a mint out of this, Arty boy!"

* * *

_A note to American and Canadian readers, although I'm sure you've worked it out: estate agents are what you call realtors, a mobile phone is a cell phone._


	45. Temps Perdu

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, the poetry to W.S., the title to Proust._

_

* * *

  
_

**A la Recherche du Temps Perdu**

'After all we've been through together…' Twice that thought had surfaced: on Hybras with despair and in Wicklow with wonder.

Now, long years later, when the flames were ashes, he wondered if it was all they'd had. If so, it hadn't been enough; it couldn't carry them through his ageing maturity and her ever youthful exuberance. Respect, even affection, was still theirs - but nothing more. Shakespeare had been wrong, love _was _Time's fool, or perhaps it wasn't that sonnet he should consider but _The Passionate Pilgrim, 'Crabbed age and youth cannot live together.'_

He hoped she was happy with Trouble.

* * *

**_Author's Note_**

_Everyone cites Holly's age as a problem, but surely it's her youth that's the real stumbling block?_


	46. A Valediction

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. With thanks to Lli, Julienne and Academician for their invaluable help.  
_

* * *

**A Valediction**

And the clock's ticking numbered the seconds passing too fleetingly for him, for her: a counterpoint to each laboured breath struggling into existence, more quickly escaping, more slowly returning. His chest rising too imperceptibly for either's ease, his failing heartbeat finding echo in her falling tears_. _Handlocked together as the seam slowly frayed, the strands parting one by one; her life unravelling as his was ending. Her whole existence was centred here, with no awareness beyond the thread of air that only she could catch and the pulse that ebbed under her fingers; leaving her adrift among the empty years.


	47. The Relic

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, the title to John Donne._

* * *

**The Relic**

"They're developing the churchyard, so of course they're moving the bodies. Be reasonable, Holly."  
"But it's _him_, Foaly, they're moving _him_!"  
"They'll re-inter the bones, and mudman religion isn't our concern. We can't interfere and you know we can't enter consecrated ground."  
"But you've got it on the scopes?"  
"Yes, though I didn't think you'd want to …"  
"I don't!"

"So, how did she take it, Foaly?"  
"Not well, Trouble. What did you expect? Maybe it's for the best that she didn't see this."

They stared at the satellite image focussed on the bracelet of bright hair about the bone.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **This drabble, and the title of the previous one, owes its inspiration to Donne's_ _beauiful poem. Depressing, I know, but that's how they turned out._


	48. One Burning Flame Together

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. Another Tennyson inspired drabble. Thanks to Opal Roseblossom who had the same idea, only better._

_

* * *

  
_

**One Burning Flame Together**

She tried to forget him. She knew it was unhallowed, if not forbidden, and she'd stayed away. But every time she entered Ops Booth he was there on the vid-screens, downloaded from the scopes dedicated to tracking him. His black hair and digitally enhanced scowl adorned the movie posters; the LEP training tapes in Police Plaza had his face on them.

She couldn't escape those shadows of the world and she was sick of shadows. Now she was flying over woods and willows and streams, visor raised.

They could curse her all they liked, she was going to _see_ him.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Not sure what's going on? Google 'The Lady of Shalott'._


	49. I Have a Song to SingO!

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. _

_

* * *

  
_

**I Have a Song to Sing, O!**

He'd saved her ass so often, and such a pretty ass too, but all she noticed about him was his own. The banter he'd annoyed her with had kept her going after Julius, but all she'd noticed was how he irritated her.

He'd wondered if it was a cross-species thing, until he saw how she liked a Mud-Boy. All he could do was wait for the next time she needed the abilities she took for granted, stop moping like a love-lorn loon and play the merryman. How he wished he could lose that persona and show her the real one

* * *

_**Author's Note**; Because I didn't think it could be done, though Lli beat me to it and did it better. Grace-notes if you spot the musical reference._


	50. The Fowl and the Fairy

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. For Verity Strange because she mentioned Artemis finding the Elixir of Life.  
_

_

* * *

  
_

**The Fowl and the Fairy**

Artemis had worked for years for this moment. He mounted the platform towards the King, savouring his achievements and the plaudits of his peers as the citation was read out.

"For his groundbreaking work into the mechanics of ageing and the role of cell renewal, the Nobel Prize for Medicine is awarded to Artemis Fowl..."

He wondered what they would say if they knew the true extent of his achievements. He smiled across to the slight shimmer at the back of the hall, acknowledging his muse and motivation, and mentally hummed the finale to _Iolanthe_. He had earned his wings.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Look up 'Iolanthe' and Gilbert and Sullivan on Wiki if you're not sure what he's done. Research is good for the mind._


	51. Hubris

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**Hubris**

"Of course, Koboi can't outdo me; I've twice her number of patents. Everyone adores my Retimager and my wing rigs and gas screens. Did I mention my shimmer suits are the last word in shielding technology? Holly Short was really impressed with those, and I saved her skin with my phantom files; in fact no-one appreciates me like Holly. The helmet I -"

The bell caused Foaly to break off and look at the rapidly retreating female.

He wondered why he never seemed to have any success at speed-dating weekends; Section Eight's was the best offer he'd had all night.


	52. Firewall

_THe characters belong to Eoin Colfer. Thanks to Academician for the 'crash' course._

_

* * *

  
_

**Firewall**

"I am going to kill that Mud-Boy!"  
Foaly glared at his screen as if he hated it: probably, at that moment, he did.

It had been a game until now: nothing personal, even enjoyable. But all that was changed. There'd be no more pussy-footing around. This was war. And to think he'd been flattered by the previous password, savouring it over a glass of sim-wine. Well, now he had the new one, he'd get into that kid's systems and wreak havoc. No human security could withstand _this_ data-bomb.

With immense distaste he entered the password, savagely hitting each key:  
d-0-N-k-E-Y-b-0-Y.


	53. Holly and The Ivy

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. The Ivy belongs to Caprice Holdings Ltd._

_

* * *

  
_

**Holly and The Ivy**

Few of the theatre-goers on Shaftesbury Avenue paid much attention to the tall, elegantly-dressed, Titian-haired woman in their midst as she turned down West Street and entered The Ivy.

The staff there were far too well trained to show any surprise that her escort was a teenager, though they did find it odd that the reservation was in his name. Still, the name – and the family – were well-known to them, and the boy's Armani suit carried the promise of a generous tip. Their expectations fell slightly when both diners ordered from the vegetarian menu and the woman declined the wine list, opting instead to join her companion in a bottle of Irish Spring Water.

The red-head looked around the crowded restaurant and then, more searchingly, at the young man seated opposite her.  
"Don't think I'm ungrateful, Artemis, but just why have I had to put myself through a shape-shifting spell and travel to London?"  
"If you remember, I promised to explain the Time Paradox to you over supper."  
"But why here, why not at the Manor?"  
"Sentiment, Holly, this is where my parents first met."

Choking on her Portobello Mushrooms, Captain Short wondered what, exactly, she was getting herself into.


	54. Winter Solstice

_The People belong to Eoin Colfer_,_ Stonehenge is in the care of English Heritage_.

**Winter Solstice**

As the People know, mind-wipes don't always take with Mud-Men. Variations in brain chemistry mean that some humans are immune.

It was unfortunate that the night-watchman employed by English Heritage at Stonehenge was one of those rare individuals. Luckily for the LEP, no-one believed his assertions that he'd seen a _swarm_ of fairies, especially as he kept breaking into an incredibly long song about pizzas. His employers decided to send him on indefinite leave because of problems with his mental health.

However, it hasn't turned out too badly for him. Several fast food chains want to offer him a contract.


	55. Therapy

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**Therapy**

"How are you feeling now, Holly?"

Foaly must have mellowed if he was concerned for her welfare, she thought. Then, _That's not fair, he's always been a good friend. Must be the post time travel displacement depression._

"Oh, not so bad." She was guarded.

"That doesn't sound convincing, Captain. You could always get one of the shrinks to give you a shot."

"That bunch of witch-doctors? Not in a Kraken's age!"

"Well what about group therapy then? That might help you overcome any residual time travel hang-ups?"

"For Frond's sake, Foaly! Do I look the type for Elf Help Groups?"

* * *

**_Author's note: _**_'Tis the season to be Holly' - Sorry!_


	56. Jingle

_All the characters belong to Eoin Colfer. The lyrics aren't mine either._

_

* * *

  
_

**Jingle (Firewall Part2)  
**

It seemed crashing the Mud-Boy's computers so near the school holidays hadn't been a good idea, nor had telling all the LEP he'd done it. The Mud-Boy had time on his hands and Foaly had the population of Haven on his neck.

The switchboard was clogged with complaints and most officers were walking around in helmets to keep out the nerve-jangling noise. Not that Fowl had actually done any real damage, but it would take hours to reprogram the computers to stop public announcements being preceded by:

'_Every little girl would like to be  
The Fairy on the Christmas Tree.'_

_

* * *

  
_

_**Author's Note:** Season's Greetings!  
_


	57. Child Development

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, except Father Christmas. He is what a child I know called a leg end._

_

* * *

  
_

**Child Development**

Artemis was unsure how to raise his concerns about Beckett's mental abilities with his mother. He didn't want to distress her but he felt the issue had to be tackled. If Beckett did have problems then they needed to be addressed sooner rather than later; early intervention might make all the difference. The problem was that he had little idea of the normal developmental rate for a non-genius child. Eventually he thought he saw a way to drop it into general conversation.

"Mother, isn't Beckett a bit old to believe in Father Christmas?"

"Well, dear, you still believe in _fairies_."


	58. Embarras de Richesses

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer. For Academician  
_

_

* * *

  
_

**Embarras de Richesses**

These presents couldn't be put under the tree, but they were the ones he'd most looked forward to opening.

Greetings, Salutations and Felicitations,  
No1.'

'We have genii too, Mud Boy,  
Yours disrespectfully,  
Foaly.'

'Not my kind of tunnel,  
Mulch.'

'This'll bring you up to speed,  
Doodah.'

And then there was the tag on Holly's gift…

'We'll always be a part of each other.  
Thanks for everything,  
Holly.'

But, now he'd opened them, he was facing a problem. What was he going to do with five copies of _Qwan: My Time is Now_? Donating them to Oxfam clearly wasn't an option.

* * *

_**Author's Note: **Nollaig Shona, Joyeux Noël, Frohe Weihnachten, Vrolijk Kerstfeest, God Jul, Glædelig Jul, Buon Natale, Feliz Natal, Feliz Navidad to you all. _


	59. Timeo Danaos

**Timeo Danaos et Dona Ferentes**

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, the title comes from Virgil._

_

* * *

  
_

**Innocence…**

Her eyes widened as she opened the heart-shaped box. Nestling in silver tissue was a delicate gold chain, each link a finely-worked holly leaf; an antique copy of The Booke hung from it like a charm. She smiled at the anonymous card,

"I knew he had a spark of decency."

…**and Guilt**

If he made some sort of restitution, they'd think he had really changed: after all, he still had several electronic copies of the sprite's book securely stored in Swiss vaults, not to mention hard copies, so he'd lose nothing by returning the original. As long as no-one assayed the gold…


	60. Art Appreciation 2

_The characters in this half drabble belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**Art Appreciation Version 2****  
or  
Caveat Raptor**

It's beautiful,  
_But then so are you._

And Hervé is considered a master,  
_Would you consider yourself a mistress?_

'The Fairy Thief' - such an appropriate title,  
_Is that why I feel as if you have stolen something from me?_

I took it for myself._  
Could I do that with you?  
_

* * *

_For S.D. In the hope that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Happy Birthday_


	61. A Racing Certainty

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer, the Gold Cup belongs to Cheltenham Racecourse and, frequently, to the Irish._

_

* * *

_

**A Racing Certainty**

It was the most incredible result for years. The 200-1 one shot had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup: a disaster for most punters.

The Racing Authorities immediately ran every possible drug test but found no trace of doping either in the winner or the losers. Artemis had expected a major inquiry, especially as he had placed such a large bet, but he remained supremely confident he would emerge as white as snow, as well as much richer.

If the Authorities had talked to the horses he'd not have been so sanguine, but talking to horses was impossible…

...unless you were Foaly.

* * *

_They don't call him pony boy for nothing!_


	62. The Wearing of the Green

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**The Wearing of the Green**

She'd never particularly liked the drawing-room carpet but it had not been improved by being covered in seemingly gallons of green paint; she had always loved her eldest son but he looked no better for the redecoration either.

"Beckett, what have you done?" Maternal love and tolerance only goes so far and she couldn't keep the annoyance from her voice.

Beckett stared at them in genuine perplexity, two anxious eyes dominating the patriotically coloured face.

"But it's what you wanted!" he wailed.

"What I wanted?"

"Yes. Artemis told me that if we were all much greener Mum would be pleased."

* * *

_**Author's Note: **__Happy Lá Fhéile Pádraig to you all._


	63. Fatal Attraction

_All the characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Fatal Attraction  
or  
Poisson d'Avril**

Butler couldn't get her out of his mind. All his protective instincts seemed to be focussed on her, he'd nearly given his life to save her and he'd willingly do the same again.

There could be no future in it of course, she was a fairy; she'd never look at him with the adoration he gave her, never consider him suitable. But after their moments together he knew she had taken complete possession of him.

She was so beautiful, so small, so seemingly fragile. Her sparkle could take his breath away…

… just like the precious stone which bore her name.


	64. Romance

_Some of the characters belong to Eoin Colfer, others to Lord Gnome._

* * *

Ms. V. Tsirblou--------------------------------------------------------------------------- Snipcock & Tweed (Publishers)  
PO Box 11 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------London  
Dublin

Dear Violet,

We acknowledge receipt of your manuscript, 'Forbidden Love'.

As you are aware, you are one of our most valued authors and, as the sales figures attest, one of our most popular. I am, however, a little concerned by the storyline of your recent _œuvre._ Snipcock and Tweed pride ourselves on offering readers a wide choice in the Romance genre but I believe they may find your latest work a little too whimsical.

I am sure you understand the importance of meeting your admirers' expectations; 'Forbidden Love' is so different from your usual offerings that I fear they will be disappointed. For this reason, I would ask you to consider editing the work to make it more realistic.

Yours etc,

Augustus Snipcock  
(Commissioning Editor)

'Well, Miss Jones, think that'll do?'

'Oh yes, Mr. Snipcock, polite but to the point I'd say. How old is Ms. Tserblou, anyway?'

'No idea. I should think she's probably getting on a bit considering this latest effort; there's a distinct whiff of senility about it. I ask you, who's going to read a romance about love between a human and a fairy?'

* * *

_**Author's Note: **My apologies for the rows of dashes, Document Manager doesn't recognise tabs._

_Extra points for knowing why his publishers are called Snipcock and Tweed._


	65. Wrestling With A Problem

**_A/N_**_ My apologies for not updating: too little time and inspiration. The next three efforts are of variable quality, I'm afraid, but the concept behind 'Autogram' is interesting, though I can claim no credit for it._

_The character belongs to Eoin Colfer._

* * *

**Wrestling with a Problem**

The soreness in her muscles was as marked as her body was by bruises. Instead of Chanel No5, she exuded a ranker aroma of sweat and damp locker rooms. Most women applied sweet-scented lotions to soften their skin; in her bag she carried embrocation oil and tubes of anti-fungal cream.

"Why do I do this? It's no way for a girl to earn a living."

She thought of an uncle, dead, and a brother tied 24 hours a day to a principal with no time for peace and tranquillity - and had her answer. Personal protection is a cold business.


	66. Like Mma Says

_My apologies to Eoin Colfer and Alexander McCall Smith for this half-drabble, although Colfer has come up with some bad puns in his time._

_

* * *

  
_

**Like Mma Says**

Yeah, I know it's not the usual career path. Kind of like that Mud Man saying, _Set a thief to catch a thief._ But what can I say? Business is good, the clients keep coming, the gold piles up. We've earned our reputation as Haven's number one shady detective agency.

* * *

_No, it's __**not** a mis-spelling in the title._


	67. Autogram

_**Author's Note:** The poet, John Fuller, has invented the autogram._

'The autogram is, so far as I know, a new form of poetic biography: the imitation of the poet's work is limited to using only the letters found in his or her name.' [Fuller. 2008. _Song & Dance_. Chatto & Windus]

_I couldn't resist adapting the idea to a drabble, although I'm afraid it's obvious who this is._

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**Autogram for Book One**

I am smart:  
I'll see fairies.  
Swirl of mist swims,  
As elf flits into trees -  
Twirls, tries to fire,  
Elf's mesmer fails.  
Elf rolls, too slow, too late.  
It falls.  
I am smart.

I am smart.  
Female faerie stares,  
As it sees I am master of its fate.  
It tries to resist,  
So I fool it as I tell elf it will foreswear,  
Will tell all.  
I am smart.

I am smart,  
Till a troll enters.  
It seems female faerie is free,  
An error,  
Too late to reform.  
Stern stare,  
Slim fist slams,  
I wilt, I fall…  
It smarts.


	68. Airy Fairy

_The character really belongs to Alfred, Lord Tennyson (6 August 1809 – 6 October 1892), who got there before Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**Airy Fairy Lili**

Yeah, I know she's beautiful. Dark eyes, crimson lips, silvery laugh: any guy would fall for them. The way she looks at you, kind of innocent and arch, and those dimples - it sort of gives you the thrills, know what I mean? But you can't pin her down. You ask her if she loves you and she flits off, or looks through you and laughs. Sometimes that laugh gets to me; it can be really cruel, especially when I'm so passionate about her. It's times like that I don't know if I love her, or want to crush her.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Not one of my better efforts, but I wanted to mark the occasion._


	69. Autogram for Book Three

_This one ended up with a sort of Anglo-Saxon, Beowulf like, feel to it._

* * *

**Autogram for Book Three  
**

Oh, I died driven.  
Brute loomed,  
Devoted, I turn to meet trouble,  
But I dive ill-timed.  
Revolver, volume loud.

Oh, I died bitter.  
Biter bit, bullet bettered me.  
Blood bloomed –  
Doom I've brooded over meted out.  
Void, mute.

Oh, I died loved.  
Deemed mete to live:  
Told I'll be delivered.

* * *

_To solve an autogram take the letters used and re-arrange them to make the name of one of the characters. Some letters are used more than once._


	70. Stumped?

_A topical drabble and double drabble: pure self-indulgence, because you have to do something while listening to Daniel Radcliffe on TMS. I apologise for the fact that probably no-one will get these, especially if you're from the Americas. If there **are** any fellow fans here, I hope you enjoy them. Commiserations Australia.  
_

_

* * *

  
_

**Just Not Cricket**

Butler came upon the twins as he made his routine security patrol of the grounds. They'd found their father's old hurling equipment and were attempting to shoot the ball into a makeshift goal. Beckett, somewhat confused as to the rules of the game, either used his hurley in the manner of a tennis racket or simply threw the ball. He launched it into the air at the exact moment that a shielded elf, visible only through Butler's filtered lenses, began her descent.

'You're hopeless, Simple-toon,' jeered Myles.

'Oh, I don't know,' Butler murmured, 'he's managed to bowl a maiden over.'

* * *

**Ashes to Ashes**

The Manor, so recently a hive of activity, was a shadow of its former self. No longer was there a stream of dubious visitors and millionaire dinner guests; nor were there likely to be now that the cook, no longer wearing her customary broad smile, had handed in her notice.

Mrs. Collingwood and her son, the gardener, hadn't been paid for months prior to their departure; unsurprisingly, they were just the latest staff to swan off after the Fowl Star incident. Poor Butler was constantly on the trot: answering the bell, gardening, cooking and keeping faith with his employer by ensuring that no-one could harm his son.

Artemis had taken on his father's mantle, desperately trying to repair the family's fortunes. Every moment was obsessively devoted to making money: even his ringtone was Strauss's _Be Embraced, You Millions_. Butler was worried about what the strain was doing to the young boy; it sometimes seemed he was becoming a different person, even colder and less caring than before. He had always tried to emulate his father, but he was now so stony-hearted and single-minded it was as if he were less a chip and more a flint off the old block.

* * *

_**A/N:** A little test for fellow fans: there are 11 significant words to find here. I'm sorry some of them are so contrived._


	71. Taken In

_Artemis and Butler are the creations of Eoin Colfer._

_For Kit Heart, because I owe her an apology; I stole the idea from Lli._

_

* * *

  
_

**Taken In**

He hadn't thought it necessary for Butler to accompany him; certainly hadn't expected that any harm could come to him. Not a mistake he often made.

'So, Master Fowl, arms above your head.' The heavily-accented voice came from behind him. 'Slowly now, we wouldn't want you getting hurt, would we?'

He tried not to flinch as he felt the man patting him down, but he couldn't help himself. Suddenly, he felt a sharp, stabbing pain in his side.

'What did I tell you, Master Fowl?' Gildo Zegna hissed. 'You have to stay still or you'll end up like a pincushion.'

* * *

_**Author's Note:** If you're confused, chapter six of 'The Time Paradox' is a fitting and suitable place to look._


	72. Spread Eagle

_Minerva belongs to Eoin Colfer, who is welcome to her; Lucien on the other hand …_

_

* * *

  
_

**Spread Eagle (or Taking the Piste)**

"Ah, Minerva, you look wonderful like that. Now, I just need to check your bindings are nice and tight."

She couldn't believe she had willingly put herself in this man's power. Yes, he was beautiful - bronzed, tall and handsome - but she'd never thought she'd submit so enthusiastically to domination.

"Bend your knees, _ma chère_, and remember, nice and slow. Just lift one leg at a time, we don't want to take this too fast."

Even if the mind-wipe hadn't erased her romantic feelings for Artemis, meeting Lucien would have done so. He was a ski-instructor to die for.

* * *

_**Author's Note:** Thanks to Kit Heart for mentioning the Tweet from Colfer about the skier from the Alpes Maritimes, and Lli for the suggestion.  
_


	73. SelfInflicted

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

  
_

**Self-Inflicted (_or _Pest Control)**

The equipment still lay on Artemis' lab. bench, silently gathering dust: Angeline had forbidden anyone to enter the room since it happened. No-one was sure whether she couldn't bear to be reminded or whether she still harboured hopes that he might, one day, be able to use the laboratory again.

Butler stood in the corridor staring at that closed door, trying to avoid memories. How ironic. All he had now were memories, while for his principal … But no amount of trying could wipe out the neurologist's words.

'I'm so sorry, Mrs. Fowl, it appears the total amnesia is permanent.'

* * *

_'But until Artemis could get hold of some LEP mind-wiping equipment, or indeed develop his own ...'_ [Time Paradox, Chapter One]


	74. On the Origin of Fairies

'According to the Book, they had once been equipped with wings of their own, but evolution had stripped them of this power.'  
Eoin Colfer, _Artemis Fowl_, Chapter Four

* * *

**On The Origin of Fairies**

**Mesozoic Era**

The troop of _Archaeoneraides leucopterus_ flitted through the branches of the Sequoias, safe from any earth-bound predators; all bar one. The tiny creature stumbled through the bushes, frantically calling for his mother who was making encouraging noises, her primitive brain unable to comprehend why he did not fly up to join her.

The little mammal's under-developed wings were unable to support its weight or enable it to glide from branch to branch like its distant relative _Volaticotherium antiquus_. It seemed that random genetic mutation had dealt the unfortunate creature a devastating blow, dooming it to an early death.

Unaware of this, the little male made heroic efforts to keep up with its kin while scavenging enough to eat from the forest floor. Scrabbling through the leaf litter, it unearthed the fruit of one of the trees and began to chew. Finding it unpalatable, it pulled it out of its mouth. At that moment, it tripped over a root and fell sprawling into a pile of earth, screaming in terror as blue sparks surrounded it. Energy coursed through it: altering synapses, modifying genes and conferring an evolutionary advantage its descendents would value forever - even at the cost of their wings.

* * *

_To celebrate the sesquicentennial of Darwin's great work, and because I wondered what could have been the evolutionary advantage to fairies, other than sprites, in losing the power of flight._


	75. Pest Control

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer except the troll, which belongs in a magma chute. Please note, this **was**_ _posted with permission._

* * *

**Pest Control**

Holly listened intently, as the creature lumbered about in the tunnel depths then emerged blinking into the half-light. It was insignificant – for a troll - as was its intellectual capacity; no troll was intelligent but this one seemed stupider than average, its attempts to cause havoc doomed to failure.

As it shuffled forwards, she fired. In a brief burst of flame the troll vanished.

'Mission accomplished, Foaly,' she announced into her helmet mike, 'one little troll dispatched to the tunnels. This De-Materialising Electron Transporter is one of your better gadgets.'

The centaur chuckled, 'Ah, you can't do without a _Demetra_!'

* * *

_**Author's Note: **In the absence of Foaly's gadget, the best way to get rid of a troll is to disable anonymous reviews, delete the troll droppings and report the abuse until said creature asphyxiates from lack of oxygen._


	76. A Certain Feisty Fairy

_The characters belong to Eoin Colfer._

_

* * *

_

**A Certain Feisty Fairy**

He ignored the cold; the snow seeping into his boots; the astonishment of his companions. All he could see was _her_: her eyes, her courage, his anguish at nearly losing her. And he knew.

_There is no-one like her_. And didn't worry about what hyphenation did to the word count.

_I must tell her how I feel, no matter what._

Giving in to obsession, he faced her.

'I know this is neither the time nor the place, but I cannot repress my feelings for you any longer.' T_wenty words exactly is auspicious._ He ignored her astonished stare and the tension in her lithe frame.

'I know I'm a human,' he murmured, as he realised how entrancing her hair was in the Arctic blast, 'and you have every possible reason to doubt my motives. I can only ask that you don't hate me for …' He wisely moved out of range before the compulsion forced the words from his dry lips, '… my undying devotion to you.'

'Fowl,' she growled, 'you do realise I'm three hundred and sixty-seven years old?'

_Three hundred and sixty-seven? A prime number? Three, six, seven – a total of sixteen? Four squared? _

_Dear heavens!_

He hated her!

* * *

**A/N: **It only said a _certain_ feisty fairy, and I can't believe he's killed her off!_  
_


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